The Sedalia Snack Squad Takes On: The Ukraine
I don't even know what to write for these intros anymore. I'm half dreading and half excited to see what's in this month's box. We'll just have to try it and see, I guess. Hopefully the Ukraine will be better than Italy. I'm not optimistic. You know, these boxes were a ton of fun at first. Now, getting a box is almost something I'm scared of. The Squad has definitely dwindled, not unlike a really hard math class right before the latest drop date. Less yackin, more snackin...... yay?
Potato and Onion Potato Boom.
Behka: Oh, that's oniony. But kind of a meaty smell too? They look like french fries. They're nice and crunchy. There's a kind of flavor I can't place.
Husbando: *smells* They smell like feet. *makes face* It tastes like crunchy onion milk. I don't care for that. I guess there's a potato flavor in there, too. But it just tastes like it's been soaked in milk and then got hard.
Roshen Creme Brulee Chocolate.
Behka: It's like a Caramello. It's... almost exactly like that. Luckily for me, I am a fan of Caramello bars.
Husbando: Oh! It's got a kind of caramel inside. Milk chocolate. It's a little extra sweet. It's not bad. It's just milk chocolate. I didn't get any creme brulee.
Dill and Sour Cream Golden Chips.
Behka: I don't get a smell. They have a consistency that feels like they're stale. I don't get... any sour cream or dill. I don't know what it is. But it's not... you know... unpleasant? I wouldn't say it's pleasant either, though. It's living in a kind of potato purgatory that wants to ruin your day.
Husbando: This is potentially going to be interesting. The packaging is fun! Smells pickley. These are super long! They don't have a lot of flavor. I taste the dill a little bit. They're... weird. Not unpleasant, just weird.
Slasti Curd Waffles.
Behka: It smells like coffee. They're so hard to break! I'm getting crumbs everywhere! Damn you, flaky snack! Anyway. On to the rest of it. I don't like the filling. It tastes like... vanilla pudding that went bad.
Husbando: *chews for a long time* You know those, like wafer cookies with the cream, that your grandparents would have? It tastes exactly like one of those.
Veal and Adjika Potato Boom.
Behka: It smells like meat. It tastes like.... something completely unpleasant. I'm picturing meat jelly. I imagine that's what this must be that I'm tasting. Why is meat jelly a thing, again? Have I ever had veal? I don't think so. And this is not making me want to try any. Ever again.
Husbando: Hopefully these are better than the other ones. I can smell it. It smells like a pot roast, cookin. It tastes like crunchy pot roast. Yeah, I'm not sure that I can eat those. They're not bad, it just tastes like pot roast.. and just crunchy.
Shoud'e Cinnamon Caramel Chocolate.
Behka: I don't really get any caramel, but I get some cinnamon. It's pleasant enough. But it's not, you know, remarkable. I wouldn't have much bad to say about this. I'd sign their yearbook at the end of school, but we wouldn't hang out or anything.
Husbando: It tastes like a dark chocolate Cinnabon.
Creamy Deluxe Toffee Squares.
Behka: I know it says soft, but it felt hard in the packaging. But it's not! It reminds me of Brach's hard caramels. It's got something else in it. Like, just sugar. It's so sweet. That'll put hair on your chest, it's so sweet. I can't really endorse that. It tastes like someone sprinkled sugar in it after it cooled and the sugar never melted.
Husbando: It's grainy. I don't like the graininess. It's okay toffee, but I don't like it grainy. It has treacle in it?
Salute Ham and Mustard Puffs.
Behka: Oh my god. Ham puffs? It's like they're cheezy poofs that taste like mustard with a bit of bacon. Oh, there's a discrepancy. The bag says bacon, but also the bag says ham. Like, the sticker says Ham, but the actual bag says bacon. WHICH PORK PRODUCT IS THIS?! Wait, maybe there isn't a difference between ham and bacon in the Ukraine. I know Canadians don't like crispy bacon so they basically call ham bacon, maybe this is similar.
Husbando: Ham and mustard puffs. Two of my favorite things. So we'll see. I have high expectations. Oooh! So far, so good, it smells just like ham. The only reason I don't like it is the consistency. It tastes like ham and mustard. It's like eating a packing peanut.
Shou'de Dark Chocolate with Candied Fruits.
Behka: Does this have nuts? They look like nuts. It's so hard! I can hardly chew it. I get a lot of orange. This is bitter. *throws the rest of it away* How do people physically eat this? I felt like it was going to break my jaw, and not in a good way.
Husbando: It just looks like a hunk of ground that someone stepped on. *struggles to chew* I don't like dark chocolate. The only fruit that I taste is orange. And has been established in previous boxes, dark chocolate and orange is one of the worst things you can put in your mouth.
Golden Chips Aspic & Horseradish.
Behka: I don't smell anything. Oh. Oh god. No. No. Why do they like meat jelly? WHY. I don't understand anything anymore. I really wonder if I'm starting to lose my mind. Who decided this was a good idea, The Ukraine? Wait, hold on, that's not fair. I'm sure there are tons of things we like that seem gross to them. But...ick.
Husbando: Oh, the picture makes it look soooo appetizing. It smells like a generic meat. *hesitates* It's good... but then there's a weird taste. I think I might still have some nasty chocolate stuck in my mouth. Let's try again. It's not unpleasant. I can't think of what it reminds me of. But it does have a weird aftertaste.
Kaubie Caramelized Peanuts with Puffed Rice Bar.
Behka: It's peanut brittle! That's exactly what it tastes like. I don't know if I got any of the rice, though. It's not as "get stuck in your teeth" as grandma's peanut brittle, though. Thank you, puffed rice bar, for bringing me back from the brink of hell that was the meat jelly chips.
Husbando: Very peanutty! It tastes like a Butterfinger and a Payday had a baby and then it was left out to get stale.
Behka: I'll give you the grape one since I can't tell if this other one is apricot or peach. I know you don't like peach. It smells like a Werther. It's definitely got strawberry jelly. That's not bad. I wouldn't get a craving for it, though.
Husbando: Thank you. The Minky Binky Monkey! Oh wow. It smells like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Seriously, smell that. It kinda tastes like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with caramel. Now it's more grape. It's not unpleasant. It's one of the few candies that I can eat.
Behka: Kind of sour. Nice and chewy. It's like a green apple taste? It's not super exciting, but at this point I'll take it. I'll be happy to be bored for once.
Husbando: It's a gummy. It doesn't look good. *shakes head* No. It's a weird textured gummy with a gross filling on the inside.
Behka: It doesn't smell like anything. It tastes like medicine. *removes from mouth*
Husbando: It's pleasant. I kind of like it. It's a hard candy. I don't know what else to say. I would actually like to get some of this fruit.
Behka: Well. I'm not.... happy? I wonder if Universal Yums is trying to make me hate the world. My favorite was the peanut brittle type thing. Weirdest was the potato boom with the meat jelly. The worst was the golden chips with the damn meat jelly again. Why? STOP WITH THE MEAT JELLY. I'm sure it's wonderful to you, but I never want to taste that again. Ever.
Husbando: I don't ever want to eat snacks in the Ukraine. If for some reason I ever go to the Ukraine, I don't want to eat their snacks. I would eat the berries, though. That's it. My favorite was the hard candy. The worst was... everything else. No, that's unfair. I can't say that. The dark chocolate thingy with the orange was probably the worst. The weirdest was the Aspic Horseradish thing.
Well, there you have it. We tested ourselves this month, and we paid the price for it.
Sorry, the Ukraine. These were not good snacks to an American pallet.