My mama used to tell me that if I didn't have something nice to say to say nothing at all. I probably should have taken her advice, but instead I'm gonna share 10 places in Missouri I wouldn't live in even if you paid me big bucks.

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First of all, I really don't intend to be mean. Some of these Missouri places might be fine and I have no doubt people that already live there are fine upstanding Americans. It's just there are certain things that make them a place I would never relocate to. Ever. Let's begin.

1. Branson

Branson is a great place to visit. Let me emphasize that last word. VISIT. Do I want to live in the same place where Wayne Newton feels at home? No, I really don't.

2. New Madrid

The people of New Madrid, Missouri have been through a lot. There were the two massive earthquakes in the early 1800's and that nutty prediction in the 1990's when all the world's media descended on New Madrid. As for me, I'm more than a little concerned about the predicted massive earthquake still to come that could register as large as a 7.7. I will take a hard pass on that one, thanks.

3. Cooter

I could have just said the entire Missouri Boot-hell Bootheel is off-limits, but specifically I'd not want to live in Cooter, Missouri. While the residents there are likely kind folks, I don't think I could tolerate all the jabs my friends would throw at me for living in a place called Cooter.

4. Nevada

Nevada is too close to Kansas and that's it.

5. Irena

Do you enjoy driving around Iowa drivers? You better if you live in Irena as they are right on the border of the Children of the Corn. Nope.

6. Conception Junction

I have 7 children already.

7. Pineville

Pineville is Arkansas-Light. It's also right across the border from the worldwide domination headquarters of Walmart. While my career trajectory may very well require that I interact with that place, I'll pass on living near there for now.

8. Pea Ridge

Bigfoot lives there. Have you seen how many Sasquatch sightings there are near Pea Ridge? Good grief. Is their mayor named "Mo-Mo"?

9. Fulton

There is some great work being done by the mental health hospital there. I'm afraid I might be given a room. It's seriously a phobia of mine.

10. Springfield

I've left the metro areas out of this even if I wouldn't live there either, but Springfield deservers the #1 spot of places I wouldn't live in Missouri (even though they're technically listed as #10). Did you know that Springfield is considered more dangerous than Kansas City or St. Louis at night? There's a reason for that. I do like their Bass Pro Shops store though. Visit? Yes. Live there? Never in a million years.

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