I’m Pretty Sure My Cat Is Trying To Murder Me, Or At Least Injure Me

The struggle is real. We have three cats in our house (one too many, in my opinion, but hey).  One is mine, one is Husbando's, and one is a friend's cat that we're "fostering" (I put it in quotes because it's been, like two years at least and this guy has made no effort to get his cat back, so I guess it's ours now).

Kitten is my cat. Well, her real name is Pollux.  But we never call her that. 

Seems pretty innocent, right?  WRONG.  I swear, this cat is trying to cause me bodily harm.  Almost every other night or so, this cat will attempt to sit right on my face.  Right over my nose and my mouth.  I move her over to the side of me and we go back to sleep. Why doesn't she just start by sitting next to me?  Because she's attempting to suffocate me.  She's not trying very hard, because she gives up after one attempt, but the ATTEMPT IS STILL MADE.

Every morning, she gets up when I do and decides she has to follow me until I leave the house.  I go to the bathroom, there she is. I go to feed her, there she is.  Going to put on my shoes, there she is.  She is constantly underfoot.  I have to carefully try not to step on her, or she'll scream and wake Husbando. If I can't avoid her, she'll trip me up and I'll fall down. Then she'll look at me like, "What, Hooman.  I was standing there.  Deal with it."

Even her attempts to show me she loves me cause me bodily harm.  I am a little old lady that sits on my couch after a long day and watches Investigation Discovery. She'll jump up on me, sit on my lap, and put her little arms up around my neck.  Then the clawing begins.  She's doing that thing where she's "making biscuits" with her paws on my neck. Claws.  Digging. Into. My Neck. I always try to hold her little paws and get her to stop, but she's persistent.  She has to sit on me, and she has to have her little paws around my neck.  Sometimes I just let her do it, and after a while she realizes I'm not dying, and jumps off me to sit next to Husbando.

She also is trying to drive me insane by depriving me of sleep.  Every weekend, if I'm not working, I try to sleep in a little. But no, every morning, at 4:00 a.m., it's time to get up. She'll push her little paws on my face and do the kneading thing again. I'll move her, she'll get offended, and then she'll sit just outside of the door and begin singing the song of her people.

Meow.

Meeeeowr.

Mer.

Oeeeerrrr.

Get up.  Get up, Hooman.  Get up. 

FINE. I'm up.  Why did you want me to get up?  You have plenty of kibble in your bowl! You have clean water! You don't need anything from me! Why are you staring at me?! What do you want, cat?

What does your pet do that makes you laugh or drives you a little crazy?  Tell me all about it in the comments!

Unmurderedly yours,

Behka