A Swiftie’s Guide to Super Bowl LVII (Behka’s Version)
Well everyone, it's that time of year again. Valentines' Day? Groundhog Day? Maybe. Wait. NO! It's Super Bowl time!
Most of the time I live happily without too much knowledge of the National Football League. I mean, I have to know SOME of it, because I work for a Chiefs affiliate. But you know, I'm not like, a die hard fan. In fact, here's a really old photo to prove it.
But, this year will be different for a lot of people, not just football fans. This year, a ton more people will likely be watching this huge event. They're taking an interest in it and learning, and it's not because all of a sudden people are confusing Wayna Morris with Wanyá Morris. Two different dudes.
No, it's because of Taylor Swift. Let's not kid ourselves. She's one of the biggest acts in the world, and her loyal fanbase will be watching to see if she shows up. At the moment, it's just speculation. But, a lot of people think she will be there. She's got a concert in Japan the day before, but because of time zones.... it could be done. Now, whether it WILL be done is a different matter.
But. I did hear it's... a 13 hour flight. And it's her 13th Chiefs game she'll be attending. On.... 2/11. TWO PLUS ELEVEN IS THIRTEEN, GUYS.
So. Swifties know, good things happen to Taylor when the number 13 is around (Well. I'm not superstitious, nor am I really a Swiftie, but she says its her lucky number). So...could be a good sign for a win for The Boyfriend's Team.
Now, what will you need to know in order to enjoy the game to the fullest?
The Minimum Swifties Need to Know About This Year's Super Bowl
It's going to have a call time of 3:30, pacific time. Which means 5:30 our time, CST. But, people will be doing a LOT of talking and whatnot. That happens before call time.
If you see the talky bits at the start, you're going to see a lot of big dudes in ill-fitting suits sat behind a large desk. Or awkwardly standing in front of a green screen or something. You'll see a lot of weird body language. A lot of them try to, I don't know - take up as much space as possible? They do a lot of leaning and also talking over each other, so be prepared for that. Some of them are former players, some of them are broadcasters, but.... they're all just guessing. They don't really know what's going to happen, so don't put too much effort into following along. This would be a perfect time to make a mimosa and check out the charcuterie board.
The Super Bowl typically lasts about 3 to 4 hours, including the hot goss gab session before and after the game, and the game itself. And I know you know the commercials are always the bomb. A sportsball game consists of four 15-minute quarters. After the game’s first two quarters, there is typically a 12-minute intermission. This is referred to as halftime. However, the Super Bowl boasts a super size halftime period, typically between 10 to 15 minutes, but could be upwards of 30 minutes. And of course, Usher is performing this year, so that'll be fun. Maybe we'll get a good hologram of our boy*. A girl can dream. It might not be as exciting as the time Beyonce made the lights go out, but hey.
Before the game you'll see a bunch of special dedications and special mentions and all that, and the infamous national anthem performance. I haven't seen anything yet about who is doing it, but it's always huge. I mean, WHITNEY did it in 1991.
Expect some kind of band that won the right to be there, a lot of pyro, and probably some of that noodling singers do when they want you to think they're really good.
So as I was saying, each quarter consists of the players trying to get the ball a few feet at a time closer to their goal. When the guy who has the ball scores, gets tackled or if he drops the ball, or if he falls over, or whatever, that's the end of the turn. Each try is called a "down", you know, like, the ball went down, I think. You only get four tries, and then it's time to turn the ball over to the other team. That's, like the super simple version. And honestly, it might not be 100% right, but it's close enough.
However. Don't ask someone at your Super Bowl party to explain it to you, though, or they're going to start loading you up with stats and stuff, and that's great, but. Yeah.
And most of it is...them talking AT you, you know, not with you. You don't want that while you're trying to eat some snacks or pet the host's dog.
Both teams this year are old hat at the Super Bowl thing, but right now Taylor's Boyfriend's Team is kind of seen by the league and fans and stuff as "The Bad Guys". But they're not, they're just, you know, the ones winning and getting a lot of attention lately. But neither team has an underdog story this year. They've both done this before, they've both won before.
If they win, they get a big trophy, braggin rights, and a parade. And, you know, probably a lot of money. Oh, and a ring! Although nobody really ever wears them.
Basically, a lot of people really think TBT will win this thing. And if they do, great. If they don't, great. Either way, I hope you have fun watching the game* this year, whether Taylor is there or not. And don't worry about any dudes who roll their eyes or make comments about how they're "here to watch football, not HER". They're just upset that someone else is showing up in their tree fort.
Enjoy the game!
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Gallery Credit: Katrina Sirotta
*Jungkook is not going to be there. Of course not. He's in the military right now. In fact, he's not that far from the North Korean border, so... he's busy. But I really would love it if they filmed something before he left, you know. Again, a girl can dream.
**What I'm gonna do (and feel free to steal this), if she's there, is count how many seconds she's on screen. That'll piss off someone who needs it. "I want to watch football! She's on the screen all the time!" Then at the end, I'm going ask how long the game was. (Four Hours) How long was the pre-game (depending on what you watch, an hour). How long was halftime? (About 15 minutes) And how much of that was commercials? (At least an hour).
........ And how many SECONDS was T-Swizzle on screen? Yeah.