Yes, Hidden Valley Ranch Ice Cream Is A Thing And We Tried It
Guys, I think you know by now that I'm all about trying new things.I like going places I've never been, reading things I've never read, and eating new foods that seem a little off kilter.
I've tried all sorts of stuff over the years (Sedalia Snack Squad, anyone?), and I've been intrigued lately by the VanLeeuwen brand of ice cream. You can only get it at Wal-Mart, and every few months or so they come out with a new novelty flavor. Most of them aren't meant to stick around like Grey Poupon, Kraft Mac and Cheese, and Pizza. But some of their flavors are quite nice, like the Royal Wedding Cake, Hot Honey, Red Velvet Cake, etc. And one of their new flavors is amazing - it's a Blood Orange Chocolate Chip. So good. But.. .well, this is why we're here, isn't it.
I'm keeping an open mind. After all, it could be amazing. We didn't think we'd like the Planet Earth flavor of this ice cream, but it was great (doesn't taste like dirt, fyi).
And Van Leeuwen is known for being a little fun with their packaging.
Who knows, this could be the most eye opening, enriching experience of my life. "A Life With out Anything Good Is Bad", after all. And how will I know what is good for me (other than bacon), if I don't TRY it? I asked NJ if he wanted to try some, and he said he would "for me" but if he had a choice he wouldn't. Several of my co-workers just straight up said "NO" and a few others just tactfully ignored my email asking if anyone wanted to taste test with me. Except for one brave soul, McKenzie.
It SHOULD work, you guys! I'm optimistic. Ranch dressing is like, a few spices, some sour cream, milk, egg yolks, etc. So it's pretty close in the dairy family to ice cream, right? And this particular ice cream is called "French" meaning it has a lot of egg yolks in it. I mean, I like when I make savory homemade yogurts at home, so why wouldn't I like a savory ice cream? And if there's anything I've learned, it's that we Sedalians love our ranch dressing. This could be a miracle in the making. Just gotta keep an open mind!
***** A Few Moments Later ******
Well, like Icarus flying too close to the sun, I have... regrets.
This is a limited edition for a reason, you guys. Chocolate Caramel Cheesecake? Solid flavor. Brown Sugar Cookie Chunk? Sure, all day long. This.... this is a mockery of everything good and pure about HVR. The garlic and onion flavor is overpowering, and almost STINGS it's so strong. I love trying new things, and I hate food wastage. I actually wanted to spit this out of my mouth. I don't think I've ever winced when I've taken a bite of a salad with Ranch on it. Because you don't think of Ranch as painful on an every day basis. This, however. This.
This is so painful. This is terrible. This is so bad, I want to take the person who came up with the idea aside and ask them how much they made to sell their soul to the devil that I don't even believe in. This is so bad it would crash your tax website just when you're about to finish filing your federal. This is so bad, it pulls up all the flowers in the Liberty Park Rose Garden. This is so bad, it leaves used face masks on the ground and doesn't even try to get to the garbage can. This is so bad, it kicks your seat at the movie theater for the ENTIRETY of Super Mario Brothers (even though you turned around and looked at the Dad, who totally made eye contact with you), not even letting up during "Peaches". This is so bad, it puts down twenty three items in the express lane check out even though everybody knows it's like, fifteen or less, JERALD. This is so bad... it attempts to turn left at Broadway and Massachusetts.
I know. Them's fightin words. And I never thought I'd say this about the best ranch you can buy at the store (best ranch in Sedalia, of course, is Mazzio's. We all know that). But I hate this. I hate this so much. Ice cream should not PHYSICALLY HURT ME. This is so bad,.... like, the only people I would want to eat this would be the Westboro Baptist Church. They deserve this. But not you. And certainly not me.