The Sedalia Snack Squad Takes On: Italy
Gather round, dear readers, it's time for us to take a journey of the taste buds. I have high hopes for this one, Italians are famous for their awesome food! And on we go! Less yackin, more snackin!
Alfredo's Truffle Chips.
Behka: They look like kettle chips. Oh. Those taste like... mold. Like unhappy, very old mold. I don't like mushrooms, so I bet this is probably why. NOT A GREAT WAY TO START THE BOX, ITALY. That lingers. It's like, coating my tongue. This is why they tell the people on Chopped to not overdo it on the truffle oil. Just picture Scott Conant's disgusted face, and you'll know how I feel.
Husbando: *Puzzled look* It has a smell, but I can't think of what it is. It's interesting. I can't think of what it is, but I can't think of what it tastes like. It's quite possibly truffle, I just don't eat enough truffle to know.
Behka: It's very soft. The chocolate smells like the chocolate on the tops of those cupcakes you got from the bread store. It tastes like those Swiss Rolls from Little Debbie or something. I don't remember what Tiramisu tastes like, but this is nice. I thought it would be crunchy, but I was wrong.
Husbando: This is a really good Tiramisu. I love tiramisu, though. Delicious.
Taralli Limone E Pepe.
Behka: They smell sweet. They are not sweet. The texture is something familiar.... I don't really get lemon, it's almost like a spice. Like a pepper? Is that what "pepe" means? It seems like it would be a snack you'd have at a bar with a beer. OH. It's like those little crispy breadsticks you get with a salad at a restaurant? Those little ones in the packet? That's what this is like. Only peppier.
Husbando: Have you ever had those lemon cream cookies? Like something your grandmother would have? It smells exactly like those. *Makes face* Those are AWFUL. They taste like burned pretzels, and then someone squirted Lemon Pledge into your mouth. *Makes noises* It's literally burning the edges of my tongue.
Behka: They're sweet. Very crunchy. Maybe a little too sweet. Almonds are like my favorite nut, but I'm not super stoked about this one. It's not bad, but it's not great. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. This was a complete 180 from what I wanted it to be. This is like if you met a celebrity, and they weren't mean or rude, they were just.... unimpressive. Like you expected them to be amazing, and...they were just a dude.
Husbando: *Smells, makes approving noises* Smells like sweet almonds, which is good since it's an almond cookie. *nods* This was like a cookie we used to get at an Italian restaurant we went to when I was a kid. Sweet almond cookies, they're delicious.
Behka: It looks like the back of a Nestle Crunch. I don't get a smell. It's gluten free? Good? It's very smooth, kind of thick chocolate. It takes time to melt down in your mouth. I like the little crunch from the hazelnuts. I want to drink tea with this.
Husbando: It's super milky milk chocolate. I don't taste hazelnuts. It's not bad, but it's not a chocolate I would eat all the time.
Froletti Al Limone Cookies.
Behka: Oh, they're shortbread. Dry shortbread.I guess that's the hallmark of shortbread, though. It stays in it's lane. I can't say I get lemon from that. That's... disappointing. It's not lemony at all! It's just plain. Boring. DO BETTER.
Husbando: They smell exactly like the other lemon stuff did. Like sweet, sugary lemon. Which makes me nervous because the other one was terrible. But these are good. It's like a shortbread, almost.
Rustichelle Al Rosmarino.
Behka: I seriously want to hurt someone. That's so unpleasant, it's like someone just put a foot in my mouth that was wearing a rosemary sock. Why, Italy? Why? What were you thinking? Who would voluntarily eat this? Who would pay actual MONEY for the privilege to eat this? Jeebus.
Husbando: WOO. Rosemary! Big smell of rosemary. *shakes head* Nasty burned pretzel. No, wait, nasty burned pretzel and rosemary!
Behka: I don't really get a smell. It's pretty, there's a little heart on the top. This is confusing. It's not unpleasant. It's sticking to my teeth. This could be better. It's just so.... bland. I don't get it. It's like the basic white girl of chocolate. And what is saffron? Is it a cloth? Because it sounds like it should be bedsheets. Bedsheets made of saffron.
Husbando: *laughs* You're probably not old enough to remember this, but in the late seventies, early eighties..... You used to get plastic Halloween masks. This smells like the inside of those masks. It tastes like white chocolate. I don't get the saffron, which is a subtle flavor anyway. I can see it in the chocolate, but I can't taste it.
Orange Carrot Buondolce.
Behka: This is so soft. Very creamy. I get some orange.........and there's a little bit of carrot at the end! It's... not gross but it's kinda crazy. I just don't know why you'd put those flavors together. Just because of the color? I wouldn't kick it out of bed for eating crackers, but I wouldn't invite it over. We would have a strange relationship. Like, I wouldn't ignore it, but I wouldn't like, call for it in a crowd. If it got lost, it would be on its own.
Husbando: Wow, that's a lotta orange smell. It's really soft. Very orange. There is a slight hint of carrot! Not two flavors that I would ever think to put together, but I would eat this again!
Anello Gusto Pizza Rings.
Behka: Oh boy! This smells like a pizza chip alright. Very bright orange. They kind of seem like those pizza flavored Pringles. Like a cheaper version of those. Very crispy, but not too crispy. I could snack on that. That's very pizza, only.... not pizza. They're very "moreish", you know? Like I could eat this whole bag while watching an episode of Mindhunter and not even notice it.
Husbando: It smells like a pizza! *Laughing* I'm trying to formulate words. It's like a pizza flavored Funyun. Very heavy on the basil. Like, I get a lot of basil outta that. They're not bad.
Effervescenti Fizzy Candies.
Behka: Oh, sweet baby cheebus, the candy bag. This is hardly ever the good part. But, we're gonna be brave. We're gonna try the orange ones. They're white! I can't seem to get it to break down. I feel like a rabid dog! Is this what the volcanoes at science fairs feel like?
Husbando: So far it tastes like the white part of an orange. OH! OH! The inside! I'm foaming up, like Alka Seltzer! OH MAN. That was not expected. It's not bad. It's very orangey. I was just not expecting the fizzy powder that's inside. That's a thing.
Behka: Very pretty packaging. It's the same chocolate from before, only maybe a little bitter? Like it spent a few too many years at the same dead end job. Just doing what needs to be done, not going above and beyond. Just here for the paycheck.
Husbando: It's just milk chocolate. There's a hint of something, like hazelnut. I don't really get a flavor or anything.
Behka: This smells strongly like coffee. It looks like a malted milk ball. It tastes like a cup of coffee that's been burned a little, with an aftertaste of chocolate. I know that didn't sound great, but it's nice.
Husbando: Woooo. Smells like coffee! *nods head* Very chocolatey. The coffee flavor comes a little after. I mostly get that thick chocolate flavor. It's like a crunch bar, dipped in chocolate.
Behka: This... box personally wronged me. I feel like I need to write someone an angry letter. This was as disappointing as Mumford and Sons third album. I was expecting such wonderful things from a country with such delicious food. Overall, I did not like this box. I am disappointed. I am bitter. I need to go cry in the corner because I have truly been BETRAYED. I may need to seek personal therapy. Best thing was the pizza snacks. The worst thing was the rosemary sock. Weirdest thing was the rabid orange candy.
Husbando: It seemed like too much chocolate with me. I grew up with Italian food, and chocolate wasn't too big with them. I really liked the Tiramisu. Those burned pretzel lemon things tie with the pretzel rosemary things were the worst. The weirdest one was the pizza one. It was just like pizza!
So there you have it, dear reader. I hope you take this box as an example of what we sacrifice to bring you laughter. Or at least a smirk.