I’m In A Funk And I Don’t Know Why
You ever get that? It just seems like..... blerg. A sad cloud or something.
I just have a weird feeling today. I don't know if I can describe it. I mean, nothing's really wrong. I have a great life. I've got a great job, it's a lot of fun. I work with great people. I have a remarkable family. They're caring, compassionate, and very loyal. My husband is amazing, and he's got two incredible daughters who have been nothing but lovely to me. I'm not ungrateful for any of that, I know how lucky I am.
But... still. It's there.
I do know this feeling isn't quite what I've dealt with before. I'll be honest with you - I take medication to treat depression. For years, it's been a thing I just "dealt" with. You know how it is, you shut up and keep going. Before I got treatment, it would be a cyclical thing. Since I was about seven years old, every six months or so, I'd get into what I called a "trough". I'd have feelings like I was the worst person in the world, and nobody was mean enough to tell me the truth about how much they really hated me. I'm sure that it made it hard for people to be friends with me.
Then about fourteen years ago, I was diagnosed with MS. My neurologist warned me that there would be "companion" conditions that often come with it. I ended up with rosacea, but that's about it. Every appointment I'd go to, he'd ask me how my mood was, and every time I would lie.
But internally, I would be screaming, "YOU'RE NOT FINE. WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL HIM YOU'RE NOT FINE?!"
I didn't tell him because I didn't feel like I was worth helping. I didn't want to complain. To cause trouble. To attract attention to myself (which is ridiculous considering I literally ask thousands of people to pay attention to me every morning). Finally, something broke. I don't know how it happened, but a few years into seeing the neuro, one day he asked me how my mood was, and I couldn't do it anymore. It just collapsed. I didn't quite cry, but I looked at him and he just knew. He gave me that fatherly look of a doctor who really wants to help you and told me we had options. So basically, I let my MS take the blame for it. I guess it was... less embarrassing? To let it be something else's fault?
This isn't quite that. This is just a general, no reason sad. It's not "end of the world, oh no the medication isn't working" sad. It's just... there. This kind of sad is the "things need to move a little more slowly today" sad. I get kind of distracted by it. I'll be trying to do something, like writing this blog, for example, and just stare off into space.
It's hard to try to be creative and engaging and entertaining when you feel this way, you know? There's no reason for it. It's just something I have to let myself feel. It's something I learned when I was little, watching Mr Rogers. And it was something he repeated in a video I watch sometimes when I need a little faith in the world - feelings are mention-able and manageable. It was a hard thing to really learn, to accept.
So I've just got to let it be for a bit. What do you do when you're feeling a little blue? Maybe your suggestion will help somebody, who knows.
Anyway. Here's Mr Rogers, just because I need him today.