38 Thoughts I Had While Watching the Grammys

Folks, I consider myself a music nerd. However... my nerdery seems to have ended about fifteen years ago. I don't really know much, if anything, about music these days. But if you want to ask me something about, you know, strange "alternative" music from like, 2001, I got you covered. Or if you wanna ask me about The Beatles, or certain Korean groups, I guess my taste is... sporadic. I mean, the girls try to teach me about new music, and I try to listen, but it kind of goes in one ear and out the other. When I did I get so un hip! Maybe I'm not as un hip as I think. Maybe I can get back into the mainstream loop.

That's why I decided to watch The Grammys this year and see what's considered the best of the best. Surely this will teach me about everything New Music. Here we go!

Uh, okay, golf? I guess that's... a thing? Oh, they're just saying they're going to go to the awards. Okay. My boss loves golf.

Now it's time for the pre game show, aka the Red Carpet bit. So there's a random blonde lady here, and a guy in a nice tux. They're going to be doing some talking, I imagine. Oh, yes. Lots of talking. And more people! Crap, Eve is here? I haven't heard from Eve since, like,.... what, 2005? She's still a thing?

.............And, Husbando has put his earphones in. He's out. Didn't even make it to the actual awards. Not even five minutes into the red carpet, he's out.

So they talked to a lot of people I kind of knew, some I kind of didn't, and some I did! I saw Chaka Khan, Dolly Parton, The Backstreet Boys, OH NO RICKY MARTIN WHAT IS ON YOUR FACE?! Did you get magic marker on your lip?!

So, is like, every singer super short, or are these hosts super tall? Nobody seems to want to talk to these people. They always have to cut to a "montage of nominees" because they don't have anyone to talk to. They even had the same guy talk to that one lady twice! Geez, what's the problem, are you guys stinky or something?

OH NO. HOLD ON. HOLD IT JUST ONE MOMENT, SIR.

Jeeebus, who gave them PERMISSION to look this good. Sorry, I'm not normal. Holy mother of water, that's just not right. Someone should report them, seriously. If you don't know, that's BTS. They're Korean and they're amazing. You should Google it.

Time for the real thing to start! Okay, that's a lot of people to start your show. This looks like a musical! But... she's overdoing it already. I guess it's good she's really singing? THAT'S WHAT IT IS. IT LOOKS LIKE RENT VS WEST SIDE STORY. Only with more Ricky Martin. He's Livin La Vida Loca, alright.

Alicia Keys is so pretty. She's not wearing makeup! How cute!

HOLY CRAP MICHELLE OBAMA, LADY GAGA, JENNIFER LOPEZ AND...... JADA PINKETT SMITH? But... what is that hat, J-Lo. That hat, no. That looks like a hat a southern woman wears to church in the summer.

I have heard of Shawn Mendes. The girls like him. And he's really playing instruments! I like that he seems very sincere. Wait, Miley Cyrus? Okay. At least she didn't twerk on anything.

I really like Kacey Musgraves. She's got a simple quality to her voice, she doesn't need to over do it. She just lets her words do the work, and keeps her message and emotion at the forefront. That's admirable. I haven't listened to her new record, though.

And now, we have someone I don't know, who is apparently Tattoo Man. He has tattoos on his face, on his fingers, everywhere.Tattoo Face Man.

And RHCP.... that's... again a strange combination, but who am I to judge. Husbando just asked if Seventies PornStache, Will Ferrell, and John Malcovich were performing together. Such a skeptic. I gotta admit, that was.... not great. Maybe it's just not my taste.

Okay, I low key love Dolly Parton. I went to her amusement park and it was amazing. They literally have a bald eagle sanctuary right next to roller coasters and turkey legs. It's the best. It was a LOT of fun. Katy Perry, no. Stop it. I heard Miley is really Dolly's Goddaughter, that's cool. Dolly, honey, really? Do they work a nine to five job? NO, THEY DON'T. They're singers. Of course they don't. The people in this audience are probably all way in the six figures at LEAST, the rest of them are millionaires if not BILLIONAIRES.

So, we're easily like, an hour into this. And they've given out maybe two awards. So this is like the Oscars, but music? I guess I'm good with that.

Okaaaaay, I've never heard of H.E.R, but she seems legit. Like, a real singer/musician. She's really, like, shredding the guitar. I get a strange Lauryn Hill/Prince vibe from her.

Do I know Cardi B? I don't think I do. I know that person is not really playing the piano right now. OH WAIT. This is the bird chirpy lady! I saw her on Jimmy Fallon. She makes a noise like "Okkkkkrrr" instead of saying "Okay". She seems fun. But... maybe a little too sexy for me. I'm an old lady. OH SHE LOST HER NECKLACE. It just fell off! She looks like a peacock! I bet that's on purpose. Maybe it's a theme! Maybe she wants to fly away into the cosmos. But, do peacocks fly? There might be a flaw in your strategy, lady.

KACEY WON! Well deserved, young lady.

Okay, we get it, Alicia Keys. You're really good at piano. You're super pretty, you're crazy talented, you're eloquent. Don't rub it my face. And did you have to play two pianos at once? That's just ragtime overkill. Maybe you could make it up to us by coming to Sedalia and doing your own Dueling Pianos... with yourself. Ha, yeah right.

I guess there's a reason she's super famous and successful.

But seriously! This is a concert! This isn't an award show, they have given out maybe four awards, maybe five tops.  I guess I'm not complaining?

Okay, now time for the Diana Ross Tribute. This I can get behind.

I'M ALMOST FOUR FOOT NINE! That was cute. She looks like she's wearing a prom dress. This song isn't super interesting. That happens sometimes when artists get older. They don't care anymore and just make music for themselves, not the audience. Good for her, I suppose. On to the hits.

Oh my goodness, Lady Gaga. You're so strange, and I can't say I hate it.

.................Alicia, you're on. Someone tell her her microphone is on.

Okay, I admit. I don't know Travis Scott. I do know Earth Wind and Fire, though. Wait, isn't this the dude that knocked up a Kardashian, or am I wrong. Oh. Effects on his voice. Is that something he did on the original song? I don't know. Or wait, is this the dude? I don't know the dude. This seems to be the dude. I might have thought too early. That's my problem. I can't make out what he's saying. ARE THEY IN 1980'S WRASSLIN? ARE THEY IN A STEEL CAGE? WHERE'S MEAN GENE?

Oh, no. The Motown Tribute. I have such a soft spot for Motown. I can't get over Smokey Robinson's eyes. So pretty. OH MY JEEBUS. This is already good. I didn't think Jennifer Lopez had a super connection to Motown, but she's doing pretty good.

SMOKEY.

OH NO. I LOVE "PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE".

I still don't know how they dance and, like, even walk in five inch heels. i can barely walk in regular sneakers, much less dance. I can show you how to fall down, though.

OMG. Best R&B album. That was so cute. But why did they play her off?

I'm sorry. I know I'm almost forty. I'm a step mom. I'm an adult. But.. I love those dudes so much. I'm so proud. They deserve all the love in the world. They're such sweethearts, such goofballs, so serious about their music but nothing else.

I haven't heard of Chloe and Halle. They seem like good singers, I guess it's part me living under a rock. Are they sisters? They have pretty eyes.

"MAYBE I NEED TO START SMOKING WEED!" Nah, you're okay.

Honestly, at this point, I'm kind checked out, and we haven't even gotten to the big awards yet. Maybe it's because I'm old and I normally go to be early? I don't know.

Okay, so one person I've heard at least a song from (St Vincent) and someone I haven't. Let's do this. OH. These ladies are confident! You do you, ladies!

What's her name and BOB NEWHART? Amazing.That shows my age, definitely. I don't know who won Best New Artist last year, but I know the one that won it back in 1961. Get me my Metamucil.

Aww, they cut her off. She was saying something nice.

I gotta be honest. At this point, I fell asleep. On my couch. With two cats.

So... that was the Grammys? Kind of?

Grammily yours,
Behka