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Behka’s Burning Hatred for Acorns [PHOTOS]

MY SWORN ENEMY.
MY SWORN ENEMY.

Not too long ago, I moved into a house and now I’m officially a homeowner.  Well, I have technically been one for a while now, but my sister and her family were living in the house instead of me.  Now I’m the person who lives in and maintains the house, and I had my first big bout with it this weekend. It’s a new thing to me to be taking on home-owning responsibilities.  I’ve always had parents or a landlord to take care of stuff before.  Now, I have to do it myself if I want it done, and it’s a big task.  Our house is fairly old and needs a little cosmetic work on it. My sister and her family were busy folks with teenagers, so they did what they could, but I want to do more.  I somehow got off my lazy keister this weekend and decided to try to start working on the lawn.

It’s spring now, and I’m sure a lot of you are thinking about what you’re going to have to do, too.  I had been thinking of what I needed to get done for a while and went all proactive on the yard.  We have two big trees in our front yard, they’re great and old and very nice for the most part.  We have a typical lawn sloping down to the sidewalk, and a side part that goes back to the garage and backyard.  I decided to take things slowly and just work on the front lawn this weekend.  Well, apparently I thought it would be just an hour or two of work and wouldn’t be that big a deal.

I WAS WRONG.

I was so, so wrong, you guys.  So wrong.  I raked and raked leaves and then used a leaf-blower type thing to get the leaves up and in garbage bags.  Then, I was confronted with what I shall now reference with disdain as….. the acorns.  The devil acorns.  There were so many acorns, you guys.  I raked, I prodded, I kicked, I pleaded, and yet they prevailed. I swear, I raked up a pile of just acorns that was at least three feet wide and maybe half a foot tall.  I HAVE NEVER HATED ACORNS SO MUCH.

I have never hated nature until this day.
I have never hated nature until this day.

I had to use a shovel to pick them up and get them thrown away.  A SHOVEL.  Not just a regular shovel: a snow shovel.  I didn’t even get them all!  It was like a terrible sequel to Hitchcock’s The Birds – only more annoying and without Tippi Hedren. There are still acorns all over the damn lawn, some of them practically concreted in the dirt, and several of them just hiding like the tiny little spheres of hatred that they are. The worst part of my encounter with all these little pieces of villainy is that it’s not over.  It’ll NEVER be over.  I’m not going to chop down the trees just to be rid of acorns.  But I will curse their existence and hate everything about them with every fiber of my being.  I have launched an offensive. Or maybe a war!  Well, it’s probably just a conflict. But either way it is me vs. the acorns, and I want every single one I see crushed into a powder of defeat while I do my loudest, most triumphant evil laugh. 

So there was that.  Then I had to actually do the work on the lawn, since that was just the clean up.  I saw there were several patches of the grass that were weak or just gone, so I put down some grass seed and then some straw to make sure the seed doesn’t get eaten by birds or squirrels (who SHOULD be eating the damn acorns, but no, I guess squirrels aren’t willing to make the sacrifice of eating pure evil) or get blown away by the wind.

See those little things in the corners? MORE ACORNS.
See those little things in the corners? MORE ACORNS.

I then decided to plant some wildflower seed just to see if maybe I could spice up the front a bit.  Then I planted some blue flowers in some side planter-type things and planted some pink bulb things in some flower pots and put them all on the porch.

Please become pretty flowers.  Take me away from this acorn hell.
Please become pretty flowers. Take me away from this acorn hell.

By then I had been working for about six hours so I thought it was probably time to stop before I hurt myself. That’s just the front lawn.  I haven’t tackled the back yard or the side yet.  I might need some time to recover before I go for that one.

I guess the lesson I learned is that I really, really hate acorns.

In fact, imagine that I am Mrs White, and I’m telling you about my fiery hatred of these tiny little brown balls of misery.

I hate them. So much.

Down with acorns,
Behka

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