Ten Types of Ladies You’ll Meet At The Missouri State Fair

The other day, I was doing some people watching out on the Missouri State Fairgrounds. I noticed a few patterns in our fine male Fairgoers. Ladies, now it's our turn.

I actually got a few suggestions from you listeners out there! Wisely, most of the men folk chose not to weigh in. Dudes know that we ladies flock together - we might make fun of ourselves, but as soon as YOU do it, we're on you like white on rice. So when you're out on the grounds this weekend, see if you spot any of these gals.

1. The Fair Weather Cowgirl. 

She's there for a good time, but she's playing a part. She's the one that hollers at the band to play her favorite song after a few "Wooo"  breaks. She's got on her rhinestone encrusted short shorts (that might show a bit of her g-string), a tank top with a country singer on it, and a bright pink straw cowboy hat. She might be wearing a huge belt buckle that just says something like "COWGURL", and wearing new cowboy boots that she's having a little trouble walking in. You just know that tomorrow, she's gonna be in jeans and a t-shirt, and that outfit is going to be retired for another year. She doesn't really drink that much during the year, but she does get a little silly for her night out at the Fair. If you see her, remind her that Kelsi said to meet at the ticket booth.

2.  The Impractical Dresser. 

She's got full makeup, fancy hair, and VERY high heels on. She's probably got a fair amount of bling on her fingers as well, and a special new manicure. Men (and tomboys like me) stare at her in awe. How does she walk in those shoes? How does she walk on them on CONCRETE? I've seen her walk by at least three times, she has to have been walking around for hours. Dudes, if you've never worn a pair of your mom's heels as a kid, picture this: small little gremlins stabbing your feet after about ten minutes in those things. For HOURS.

3.  The Supermom.

She's prepared and practical. She's got a huge stroller loaded up with toys, bottles, snacks, sunscreen, binkies, everything. Her sunhat is Huge. She's probably pushing seventy pounds worth of stuff, and the baby isn't even in the dang thing! She's organized and knows where every little item is to keep her kids happy - but also has the meanest Mom Look as soon as anybody steps out of line (and not shy to give them a sharp "NO!"). She's got Dad holding one kid wearing a paper Cow Hat on his shoulders, one skipping happily alongside with a Popsicle grin, and another on a leash barely out of diapers (with inexplicably sticky hands), and all of it is under her absolute control.

4.  The Aunt Terry. 

I think everybody's got somebody like this in their family.  She has a short haircut, huge sunglasses, a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. She's got a few little necklaces on, jangly bracelets, and she uses her cigarette case as a money holder. She came down with a few of her girlfriends (that are probably named Stef, Lou, or Tam) and she's got a loud, deep voice. She's got a big laugh and definitely is here for a good time that will involve several Bud Lights and probably a local band she knew when they were teenagers. If it's too hot, you might catch her with Tam at the Wine Tent telling dirty jokes.

5.  The Teacher. 

She's more than likely working there to make a little extra money until school starts. She's seen it all and can handle all of it, and is impressed by none of it. She drives around in a golf cart that has a towel on the seat, wearing a visor and practical shoes. She'll still recognize you, even if it's been twenty years, although she might not remember your name. She's an expert at ordering around the teenagers who work on the grounds, and may not take any nonsense but she might give a little.

6.  The Shorty. 

She's about five feet tall, and will never have a good seat on the track unless she's in the front row. She moves quick since people are always stepping on her. You might find her, after a few beers, standing on top of her chair. Her well meaning male companion will eventually get her to get down. He'll probably tease her later about getting her a booster seat.

7.  The Shopper. 

She has been through every building on the Fairgrounds and will find the best deal on the most random objects. She's practically Christmas Shopping here. She's got a new pillow, a special fan, a bag filled to the brim, and she's not even halfway done yet. If she could walk around the Fairgrounds with a grocery store shopping cart, she would - and she'd fill it up. Not just with stuff she bought, but with every freebie give away the grounds can offer. You've got a sticker? She'll take one. You got a pen? Sure, she could always use more. Meter stick? You better believe she'll take one, even though she has seven more at home. 

8.  The Goth. 

She's pale, with dark hair (or maybe a bright, unnatural neon pink) that has been carefully crafted to look like she just rolled out of bed.  She'll probably have a few piercings on her face. The eyeliner will be very thick, enough to make it look like she's got two black eyes. It doesn't matter that it's 90 degrees out with 84% humidity, she's in all black, probably long sleeves and long pants - although the sleeves might really be socks she rolled up her arm. She might have a dog collar around her neck, and she's definitely wearing something with spikes and huge boots. She looks scary, but she's actually pretty sweet and would love to pet your dog. Most likely seen with a group of about four who look just like her, followed by a tall and gangly kid named Evan that never talks.

9.  The Real Cowgirl.

She came here to compete, she has no time for your malarkey. She's got her sights set on her animals, and you might get two minutes of her attention when she's done. Always dressed cute but practical. Probably has her hair in a ponytail that she pulled through the back of her ballcap. She's in jeans, and some scuffed, well worn boots. If she's wearing a huge belt buckle, it's because she won it. She's probably chewing gum. You'll probably run into her at the Coliseum, or in line at the Beef House.

10.  The Radio DJ.

She's not accustomed to being outside. Probably hiding under a canopy at all times or standing in front of a fan because she burns too easily. She's got a huge jug of ice water, and you can tell she's been outside a little too long because she's got a frizz mane. She's shorter and fatter than you pictured. She might be a little awkward if you tell her you listen to her on the radio all the time ... but she appreciates it. She's happy to play the games with you, but please just take your prize and go when you're done. Don't ask for seven other things or get mad at her for running out of the prize you wanted. She's been screaming over races, music, and crowds for days, so her throat is probably sore. Don't judge if you see her with a lollipop - it helps.

Have you seen any of these ladies out on the grounds? Who would you add to the list?

Fairly yours,

Behka