I haven’t been a Twin Dad more than a few weeks now, but I’m already getting pretty used to the common questions parents are asked when taking their twins out in public. Strangers just cannot help themselves when it comes to seeing two babies that look alike. Just a heads up, I WILL be making Bingo cards once I save up a few more (questions, that is, not babies). In the meantime, here are a few of my early favorites…

  • 1

    Are they twins?

    What? These two? This pair of adorable infants who look remarkably similar to one another who are resting in this Greyhound bus of a double stroller with which I’m patiently navigating these narrow Walmart aisles? Yeah. Sure are.

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  • 2

    Are they identical?

    Do you want them to be? You do, don’t cha! Would this encounter become less awkward for the both of us if these two joy bundles had matching DNA? Admit it. You’re secretly hoping for a Tia Tamera situation here and not that of, say a Devito Schwarzenegger.

    (Also, if you happen to come across boy/girl twins, save yourself the potential embarrassment and just skip this one entirely. They’re not identical and you probably should have been paying more attention in health class. I’ll find a pamphlet or something that should clear up some of your confusion.)

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  • 3

    How do you tell them apart?

    Smell usually. I have the nose of a bloodhound. By the way, how was that pepperoni Hot Pocket you had three days ago?

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  • 4

    Were they IVF?

    You know, I hate to admit it but I just can’t seem to remember how they got here to be honest. I know! How about you tell me how you conceived your kid first and I’ll just jump in if anything sounds vaguely familiar. Go ahead, don’t leave anything out. I very much want to hear every detail. How long you think this’ll take? Should I grab a pen and paper?

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  • 5

    Do twins run in your family?

    Yes, all over the house!**

    **I’ve been sitting on that Dad Joke for a while now. And you bet as soon as they go mobile I’ll be using it every chance I get.

    But seriously, aren’t you supposed to have a stethoscope and a jar of giant Q-Tips before you start asking about my family’s genetic history? I don’t want you, like, billing me $3,000 or whatever.

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  • 6

    I guess you guys have your hands full, huh?

    Nah. We cool.

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