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Misadventures in Sleep: Behka Vs Husbando

I’m an adult.  I keep telling myself this to remind me that I have certain expectations of adult life.  I have to sweep the floor, I have to feed the cat, I have to pay my water bill, etc.  I also have to go to bed at a decent time and get up and go to work.

I do manage most of the time to get to bed by 8:00 or 8:30, at the latest on weekdays.  On weekends I might stay up and then sleep in, but mostly I try to be pretty regular on the sleepytimes.  I’m experiencing a new situation that’s throwing that off, however.

People ask me if married life has changed the way Husbando and I live. More stuff, yes, but there’s also help with the bills, and someone who actually wants adult food for dinner instead of frozen Lean Cuisines.  However, there is one…slight complication.  And I think most of you that are married or in committed relationships can understand.  Here’s how we start at the beginning of the night:

That’s my brilliant rendition in MS Paint. Don’t worry, I take commissions. I’m the one with hair on the left. I know you can hardly believe that I haven’t made my fortune as an artist, but let’s get to the actual point in hand.

Anyway, seems normal, right? Right. We have a very nice, queen sized bed. So there’s plenty of room and also some tossin and turnin room. However, after a few hours, this is what happens:

I know the proportion seems different than the previous image, but I don’t think it’s too much of an exaggeration. This man somehow manages to turn diagonally and expand his mass so that he takes up what feels like the entirety of the queen sized bed. I almost always end up kind of clinging to the side of the bed and putting my face right in the humidifier on my night stand. I wake him up from time to time and scooch him, and he’s always apologetic when I do. But it happens again, it’s something in his DNA that requires him to take up as much space as humanly possible in his sleep.

This happened again last night, and I got a little cranky about it. So I turn to you, listeners. What do you do? What is your sleeping situation like? Does your partner snore? Do you kick in your sleep? Is your partner always cold, and you’re always warm? What’s going on there? Let’s commiserate about it together.

Sleepily yours,

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