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Behka’s Super Bowl Review for Dummies

Kids, I am not a sporty person. I just don’t have much of the competitive drive. So I don’t really care who wins or loses, and therefore I find I can’t root for somebody in sports.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s just not there for me.

Now having said that, I did watch the football game this week. My ever patient boyfriend sat next to me and attempted to explain things here and there. He did his best to answer my questions (“Is that a camera robot?  Why did that one guy throw a yellow thing? Why do they keep losing their helmets?”). So here’s what I’ve gleaned from the four or so hours of time I spent watching it with him.

First of all, people show up and talk. They talk and talk and talk and talk. Even more so then your aunts and cousins in the kitchen at Thanksgiving. I’m talking hours of it. It’s almost like a bridal shower, where the talking is more important than the task at hand. I’ve never seen so many thick necked dudes in uncomfortable looking sport coats sitting around talking.

 

Then, it’s almost time for the actual event. But, we can’t have the event until a lot of different people sing and hock their new products for you to buy. Whether that’s albums, singles, tours, merchandise, whatever – either way, Matchbox Twenty really wants you to like them (so you should probably go ahead and buy their CD for your dad), and they’re gonna sing before other people sing and other people sing. I admit though, at least I knew who these people were. I knew One Republic, I knew Matchbox Twenty, and I knew Alicia Keys. I was glad Alicia didn’t do a lot of what I call “noodling”.  You know, where a lady decides she has to show off how good a singer she is, so they have to draw out the notes, going up and down the scale? She didn’t do that.  She just sang the National Anthem and that was nice.

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Getty Images

I’ve heard of Jennifer Hudson, but I’ve never really watched American Idol or Dreamgirls, so I only know of her. I do remember her from the Weight Watchers commercials and thought she did look nice. And I thought it was very nice to see the kids from Sandy Hook there. They deserve a big trip and a big treat, and the Superbowl is pretty big.

So then, it’s time for some sports! To start, they have to decide who goes first. So they get together with a referee type dude with a lisp who gets to do the talking because he’s the head referee honcho. So if I remember right, they did a coin toss and then…. okay, I forget who went first.

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Getty Images

But I do remember that it seemed like the purple team were doing great! They were doing a lot more dancing at the end of the field than the red team. I enjoyed the dancing. I remember I read somewhere once that football players take ballet classes and such to be light on their feet. Maybe they also do it because they love the spirit of dance, because those guys sure liked to dance when they finished getting points. But then, one dude also kissed his own arm. So who knows what that’s about.

There was a lot of running, falling, tripping, throwing, etc. One guy even kicked the ball from one end of the field to other, and a guy caught it all the way over there! Then, that same dude ran all the way to the other end of the field and didn’t fall down once.  I thought that part was pretty cool.

From time to time, different guys would also kick the ball through the big Y thing, only once they kicked it and it missed, but they decided someone was messing with the little kicker dude. So they did it again. Sometimes the dudes would run and hit each other and it looked like it hurt!  I may not know why they hit that certain dude, but they sure clocked each other quite a few times.

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Getty Images

Then there was Beyonce. She came on at halftime, sang a lot of songs and did a lot of dancing, and I had to try to explain to my boyfriend that her girl group was Destiny’s Child, not TLC. I also had to try to explain what “Bootylicious” meant. He probably knows now how I feel when he tries to explain “Pass Interference.” It was just a glazed look in his eyes. He went and got some soda during this part. But I liked it.

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Getty Images

Then later, for some reason, the lights went out! I don’t know what happened there, but I think someone may have poured some Gatorade on an extension cord or something. I know the two coaches of the teams are brothers, so maybe it was some friendly hazing betwixt siblings. Or maybe it was a fluke. Or, maybe, just maybe, it was a conspiracy! Maybe it was The Man trying to keep you down! I dunno. Anyway, they got that fixed, bit by bit. At first all the lights were off, then half were on, etc. I was washing some dishes at this point so I kinda missed it.  But it was a long time that the lights were out….and not even in Georgia.

So there were a lot of angry dudes there for a while.  One guy in a black hat did a lot of hollering at a guy in a suit with a walkie talkie. I’m pretty sure he was hollering about a truck and he was totally not happy, and they did a lot of stopping and starting again.

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Getty Images

The purple team were way ahead before the lights went out, but then the red team got some points back.  But the purple team decided to just kind of hold them off a bit and waste some time, so that the time clock would run out.  So one dude faked them all out and ran sideways for a bit, and he was truly a great example of time wasting. He wasted, like, five seconds before the other guys decided to chase him.

So then it was all over, and there was purple and black confetti everywhere. One guy even made a confetti angel! They were pretty happy.  They showed the big trophy and there was a lot of hugging and stuff.

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Getty Images

I had eaten my fair share of Cheez-Its and pretzels and I was ready for bed.  All in all, it was pretty okay.  I may not really want to watch the footyball more than once a year, but it was fun… kind of. And I always like a heartwarming animal story, so if that Clydesdale commercial could get a sequel I’d like that.

So, guys talked, guys sang, guys talked, dudes ran, dudes fell, some dudes threw stuff, some ladies danced, and more guys fell over. One guy on the red team kept licking his fingers and then rubbing his butt. I’m not sure what that was about. I’m also not sure why that one guy on the purple team had that paint stuff all over his face. Most of the guys only had a little bit under their eyes, but he had it all over.  Anyway.

Footyball for everyone, even me!

Behka

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