Guys, I'm sure you've heard us talking about the Tropical Nights: Boots in the Sand event. This is huge. It's a thing where you can get away from it all in the sunnier, warmer climes of Riviera Maya.

I'm sadly one of the jerks who can't go. But here's the thing: I'm mad about it. I'm hoppin' mad. I'm madder than a wet hen. Or, maybe just really, really jealous of those of you who can or could go. Here's five reasons why I hate everything and pine for the Riviera Maya.


1. The music.

Good lord, have you seen this lineup? Billy "People Are Crazy" Currington?  Brantley "Country Must Be Country Wide" Gilbert? Dierks "5-1-5-0" Bentley? Jana "I Swear it Won't Be Awkward That Brantley's Here Even Though We Broke Up" Kramer? Jeezy Kreezy, people, you gotta know these people are gonna bring the fuego.  These shows are gonna happenin' and crazy and tons of fun.


2. The Nerdery.

Okay, okay, okay. We all know I'm a big nerd. Let's not argue that fact. I love history and anything like that. And they've got a freggin archaeological site there. The archaeological zone of Tulum is one of the most beautiful places on the Riviera Maya.

LOOK AT THAT. That's living history right here! Daily tour buses bring a constant stream of visitors to the site. The Tulum ruins are the third most-visited archaeological site in Mexico. It is popular for the picturesque view of the Caribbean. I wanna go there and think about all the people who lived there, what they did there, how they lived their daily lives.   But no. I have to stay here in Winter's Hole of Coldness.


3. The Pampering.

I think we could all use a little de-stressing. This place has it all. They've got a Rock Spa for some seclusion and peace. There's also onsite POSH Beauty Salon, offering full service manicures and pedicures, waxing, haircuts & color, shampoos & blowouts, braiding and all that stuff to make you feel like an attractive human being.  There's a great beach and pool for the hangouts and swim time and whatnot. There's also some great food like five course dinners and Tequila And Wine Tasting.  I capitalized those words because those activities make me even madder that I'm not going. I'm going to go cry the angriest of angry tears over my leftover helper Beef Stroganoff and apple juice from concentrate while I think about that.


4.  The Theme Park.

Oh man, am I mad about this one. I love theme parks. I go to any and all theme parks that I can.  I've been to Six Flags Magic Mountain in California, Worlds of Fun and Six Flags here in Missouri, Silver Dollar City, Schlitterbahn, Big Surf, Dollywood, etc etc etc.  I love 'em. Now this place doesn't have the kind of rides you might think of when you think of an American theme park, but... it has a whole theme park for SNORKELING.

You get to SWIM.




Look at that adorable face! I've loved dolphins since Flipper! They're so smart and sweet and gentle and pretty and amazing and funny and strong and shiny and agile and diving and amazing and....

Woah. I need to calm it down a little.  Dolphins are great.  Anyway. The park also has a coral reef aquarium turtle nesting site. Next to the inlet there’s an area for manatees. The park also has a bird pavilion, butterfly pavilion, bat cave, orchids and bromeliad greenhouse, an island of jaguars and a deer shelter, among others.


5. The Warmth.

Did you notice how cold it was today? How cold it'll be tomorrow? All this week? Yeah.  I thought you did. Do you know what the weather is going to be like down there? I do. That's another reason why I'm mad. Temperatures at this time of year down there average a high of around 80 degrees and a low of around 68. Chances of precipitation around this time year are considerably low. So basically sunny skies, warm weather and no rain.

Take a good, hard look at that.  Now go look out your window. Understand how I feel now?  I think you do.

If you haven't booked your trip already to the Tropical Nights: Boots In The Sand... you might want to go ahead and do that. If for no other reason, to not hear me whine about how I can't go. Being as far away from me during the whole experience is probably the best option for you.

Jealously yours,